Day 29 : i am am i

who i am?
i am silent, i smile, i smoke, who am i who i am.
i am lost, i laugh, i live, who am i who i am.
i am formless, i roll, i think, i smell, i hear, who am i who i am.
i am unsettled, i wait, i sit, i enjoy, i question, who am i who i am.
who am i?

is this love that i am feeling.i had the first sweet conversation with a beauty queen yesterday.
baby since i have been loving you i am about to loose my worried mind…
oh she was so beautiful…

she is existence. sometime she is called by me by the name julie. i love julie.
julie is existence. sometimes i feel i should just press backspace and shut down the window.
all is just a lie. i am dependent on existence as i am existence. but my mind always wants to be something. because if i am nothing my mind won’t exist. why it will be there if i want to be nothing.and i am writing it to get recognized but i want to be nothing.

how can i be two? i do not understand. with every wave i am changed. i get changed every now and then. because i am not aware of this i.
whom i see as i is just an illusion, a dream, a desire.
i don’t understand this i. i is because it is a boundary created by mind in existence. because of i you is.
i create i and then i run behind the survival of this i. i create big i. i run harder.
and life is a walk not a race. because my sprint does not change the direction of this existence. it, existence is the nourish-er of everything. existence takes care of itself very well. just listen to the trees, the breeze, the brook, the book, the look.

coming back to this page well we are just the last bricks of the wall.
good music, i devote myself to it. pink floyd, led zeppelin, the doors, pt. ravi shankar, 60’s rock, rich classical indian, well one shadow i have which plays blues.
and i am a bad poet with very ordinary rhyming.

let the sun eat you up and the moon chill you down.
let the music make you flow and you carry a glow.
you still stands even when life gives 10000 blows.
green trees red sun and the ground very brown.
i cherish life harder then i chill and i chill harder than you fucking party.
life is a flux and when you are ready to loose the control or relive mind from its duty you actually starts living.
you wake up for the very first time.
either you live or you talk in the mind. live means witness. witnessing the life means watching how puzzles gets solved. but great patience is required. and you are going to get shaken every now and then between yes and no.
between accepting and rejecting,
between winning and loosing,
between either or or.

and when you see your mind for the first time, you go crazy. you want to run from it.
or you want something, someone to make yourself busy. so that you don’t have to recognize the mind, your mind.
what goes behind that make up makes you hurt. and then
then

then

then

a big leap of no mind. go mindless. a freak. a individual, a singularity.
where your speech action and thinking matches.
and you see the responsibility of this body.
you fill your heart with gratitude.
and the elixir of life splashes over the brim of your being.
your beautiful being.
just a witness.

well i started to write something, something else got written, and i am trying to change what is written.
sorry for wasting your time. everything is copied i know not. i am good lier. very good lier.
and i copied from others and i just collected and started writing.
i am an actor. can i be everything at once.
what i have lived or what is going on in life or i say in head can be pasted on the notepad life can not be.
ask artists how hard it is to present the subtle. my love with julie haah!
my world smiles in her eyes.

in the end i bow to the divine sitting in us. aum shanti aum.

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